Trusting

I don't expect anyone will read this to the end, and its okay. My English professor, Neal Anderson, once said in a college class I was in, that we write because we have some emotions that need to be expressed because they are our truths, but the words we say are inadequate. So we write them down in order to adequately explore, develop and remember what they are, because they matter to us.

Life has been more challenging than normal this past year. Physically, mentally, emotionally, its all there. There are challenges that are beyond my own knowledge or expertise, and so we go to professionals to tap their knowledge, and sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. Still, we try.

Other people say things, some helpful, some not. Sometimes I know there is judgment tied into a comment and other times the love just fills me with gratitude. To be steady and true to the person I want to be, I have tried to ignore the negative and just appreciate the positive. But, truly the things others say hardly phases me anymore. Probably the most important thing I have learned in a greater degree is to trust the Lord.

I've learned that when you can't do anything else and you've tried your best, you just have to give the problem to the Lord. I thought I knew this before. I thought I was even pretty practiced in this skill, but alas, there have been more opportunities the Lord has given me to give it ALL to Him.

I am also grateful to say that there have been tender mercies shown in abundance. I have come to so many walls, and then, miraculously, a way opened up, but never until I declared in prayer, I have done everything I can, and can do no more. Please help me. And He does.

I have also made mistakes and have had to realign my path on a new way, trying out what looked to be the only path, but eventually realizing there was a better path. Still, even on the right path, there are some problems I just can't solve, or things even get worse. And so, I keep trusting. Hoping for the new light to dawn within me so that I can get on the path of progress or to have it manifest in some other way.

Then there is real life going on still, with or without me. It never stops. Sometimes I feel as if I can't even get on that merry-go-round, its spinning on a different plane than I'm on, and other times I realize I'm just moving too slowly, and yet I can't go any faster. I'm getting better at making peace with that too. We can only do so much and I know I am doing the most important things.

The guilt of others expectations, however, hasn't bothered me near as much as the self-imposed guilt I have to fight. Could I have done better? What if...? All questions without real answers, and so again, I have to trust that the Lord knew where I was then, and that I have always tried to do my best. I console myself with the fact that I have always felt the Spirit, but heaven knows, and so do I, that I am hardly perfect. So I stave off the adversary's voices by trying to do more good, but others times I just have to say, to compare is to despair, and despair is not an emotion that serves me well.

There is also the energy that comes from doing good things. I have made more efforts to exercise in the past month than I did in the previous six. I'm not doing it every day, but I am making progress again in this area.  I have found that serving still makes my heart feel good and so when I see an opportunity I know I can keep my commitment to, I do it. Much of it has been last minute, and I've embraced those chances to give when that fire strikes for I know tomorrow it might not be possible. Being flexible, being willing, and being grateful for the opportunities has blessed my soul and increased my trust in the Lord, as I know He is still willing to use me, even if its not as organized and well thought out as I have done in the past. I also know, those are escapes for me, from my own world. There is good and bad to see about escapism. The good is the renewal of positive energy it is for me and the blessings it brings to others. The bad is that I can't be neglectful of my most important responsibilities even in the act of doing good, and it doesn't change the painful realities that still exist.

So, I try to keep balanced but one thing I don't like is that I think I've been complaining too much to my closest family members. I don't do well with play by plays of each day. Sometimes there isn't anything great to report, but I got through that day, and I'm grateful for it. It doesn't mean that I don't see the good in the world. I see it, I'm just inundated with the hard stuff at times, and it doesn't come quick enough off of my lips. And some days are so bad I can't even believe it. I think no one else would believe this, even if I told them. But still, I wake up every morning ready to go. It is a blessing that I have a job to do in the first half hour of waking each day. I have duties that only I do and give me a reason to get up, be cheerful and start again. I'm grateful for my routines. They serve me as I do them.

I guess this is just a stream of consciousness of some sort. Nothing too profound about my writing and probably too much to put on a public profile. The one thing I did learn more than anything else when being a Relief Society President was that there is a lot of pain and sorrow out there that only the Lord can get us through. And with these current trials, I have learned when people do things that aren't good for them, we can only love them until they choose differently. We can't take away their sufferings as they struggle but we can do things to serve them. All our experiences we learn from and hard as they may be, I'm grateful for the tutorials the Lord gives us. Another truth my mother taught me long ago, "We love those most that we serve." How very true that is.

Among my favorite chapters in all of scripture are found in Isaiah 54.
Starting with verse 11:
O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest and not comforted, behold, I will lay thy stones with fair colours and lay thy foundations with sapphires.
And I will make they windows of agates and thy gates of carbuncles, and all thy borders of pleasant stones.  And all thy children be taught of the Lord; and great shall be the peace of thy children. . . .
17. No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgments thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is of me, saith the Lord."

Another favorite is found in Pslams 125:
They that trust in the Lord shall be as mount Zion, which cannot be removed, but abideth for ever.
As the mountains are round about Jerusalem, so the Lord is round about his people from henceforth even for ever.

I know the Lord is close. I know that the power of His atonement can turn all the sufferings into beautiful foundations for our eternal lives. I know that Charity is truly the only thing that Never Faileth. I know that the love of the Lord for each of us is enough to produce mighty miracles if we trust in Him. And I do.